Well let’s see, I’m going to be 28 years old this summer. This isn’t the first time I’ve told my story and it really doesn’t even bother me to tell strangers. I am not ashamed because I know I am not alone.  I also know I had no control over the situation. I was but a little girl…

I learned early that family life was not always easy, and very scary sometimes. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never stuck with me with his fists, but his emotions were ice. You never knew what kind of mood he would be in, or if you could have friends over…. Would he come home yelling and slamming cabinets, or would he just sit and watch TV?   My mother stuck by him and he eventually gave up alcohol … but I will always remember him setting fire in the sink and making my brothers go out and pick up cigarette butts from the drive at 1:00 in the morning, and having my mom pile us all in the car; we were finally leaving ... just to turn and go home. I once was spanked for leaving a light on in another room, pulled out of bed by the hair. It didn’t take much to push his buttons.

 
I am the only girl with two brothers, and the youngest child. My oldest brother is from my mothers first marriage and my father adopted him. My second oldest and I had a good relationship and I knew I could always depend on him. Although my father stopped drinking he did not know how to show emotion, and we had already learned not to expect to much. He and my mother kept a rocky marriage.
I was also molested when I was younger. Not by my father but by my oldest brother.
I don’t remember when it started, but I remember certain aspects that I will not go into detail about, and I remember my mother catching us in the act. I was about 9 years old and he was around 13. I’m sure she had a heart attack the moment she saw what her son was doing to her daughter.
No, it’s not a pleasant thought at all, but like I said I am not alone, and there are more horrific stories out there still in the dark.
We were outside with our clothes on and he had me bent over the stairs, it was kind of late at night and everyone was supposed to be sleeping.  My mother stirred and went checking in on her kids…
I think I have blocked out a lot of the memories but there are a few that I can recall. He used to encourage me to “trade” favors for toys and things I may have liked from his room. Luckily enough, we never actually had intercourse. I remained a virgin until I met the man I am still with.
 

I believe it may have been going on between the ages of 6-9 … but then again I don’t really have memories of much further.
I also know that my mother did what she could to try to get help for her evidently troubled son. She tried to follow all the “official channels” to get help… including filing a police report against him. He was sent away to a mental institution a couple hours away from our home. We sought out one or two family sessions, and before you knew it we were on our way to pick him up. Was he rehabilitated? Mmmm… no. I can say so because when he came back I was about 10 and he tried again. He succeeded for a short time before I drew up the courage to stop it myself. Soon after that my father began to toss him out of the house. He was about 15ish.
Funny though, after he was sent away the first time … how some other family members thought that they may be able to get away with it. Going into my teen years I had to handle a few years of hidden come on’s and “roaming hands” from 2 other major male members of my family.
In school, my fifth grade year rumors went flying that I had sex with my brother… and even when I entered high school, someone told my boyfriend that I “fucked” my brother. I had to tell him what happened… yes .. he’s the man I am still with…

I think it was rubbed in my face enough by society that I lost the shame for it. Yeah, it happened … and…. It’s not really a laughing matter.
I dealt with a lot of pain and anger in my middle school years. I was very mean to my friends and began cutting myself.  I would hit walls and bite and scream into pillows.  I also began writing poetry. I pushed my friends away and spent my 13th summer, the summer before high school alone.
Once in high school I made amends with my friends and ended up meeting a few more, including my current boyfriend, Esteban. His family showed me what family was meant to be like, and I instantly fell in love. I was 14. My past had left me emotionally scared and I still had a lot of things to deal with, but he showed me what love was, and forgiveness… and his mother taught me kindness and compassion. His father, played the one I didn’t really have and encouraged me to be all that I could. I began to realize that I gave my anger for my past to much control over me. Hating somebody or something took to much energy, and I learned to focus my energy on more positive things.

I do not hate my brother, he has had his own troubled life. As children my father may have adopted him, but always treated him different as did my real grandfather. We knew that if we did something wrong we could blame him and my father would punish him. When he originally was sent away he was diagnosed with HDAD, but the facility never notified my parents… He got kicked out of high school … kicked out of the house and on his own …. Ended up breaking some laws and has spent the majority of the last 11 years locked up.  His life and path has become beyond my own though it may cross occasionally. I do not expect too much from him.
My father and mother divorced after my mother had a life or death brain surgery that left her permanently disabled, and he couldn’t handle it. He is remarried and although I have a hard time communicating with him, and trouble understanding why he left my mom the way he did…  I have to admit, he seems a happier person. I do love him, he is my father. He would be there for me if I needed it or just asked. But I have a thread in me that still sees my father as I saw him as a child.

My life hasn’t been easy and even in high school right after  my first love and I met, and broke up for the first time I ran away with another man, 19yrs of age who romanced me off my feet, and told me all the things I needed to hear. I ran away to Texas (from Indiana) with this man, and remained there for 2 months before I=I came to my own senses and came home, finished high school on time, and  continued to live my life. (I was 15 when I ran away)

I have dealt with my past but I still have a self destructive image that I have to keep in check. My first love and I had to deal with a ton of issues that came up in our relationship due to my past, and I continue to grow and live. After 13 years with my first love we have ended the relationship.  It's hard at times and I often find myself cast back into the darkness - but I keep on keepin on ...  and try to see the light.
 I love spirituality and writing, and have found a peace within my soul although it's not always visible.  I know there is light at the end of the darkness.
I could write more and more about obstacles that I have had to over come due to my early child hood years and the emotional problems it’s created -  but that’s a lot of reading. I do sometimes have events happen to me that trigger those childhood emotions and I seek help in someone I trust. I just wanted to cap my story and let others know that they are not alone. I’ve been physically abused, mentally abused and emotionally abused. I have survived. I still suffer from depression but I've learned to find light in the darkness. For more information on depression visit: The Darkness Within